o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize