It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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