it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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