Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
