Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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