Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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