I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
