It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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