I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
