I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
