Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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