She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
