if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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