Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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