I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
