"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
