Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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