She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize