my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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