Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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