well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
