I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
