I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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