I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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