yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
