Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
