I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
