I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
