Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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