9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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