He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
