It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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