Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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