I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
