Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
