his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
