I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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