I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
