You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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