I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
