I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Someone came in the potted fern
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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