They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
