New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
