You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize