omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
