I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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