everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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