I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
