I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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