We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
