and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You don't make any sense
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