I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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