if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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