I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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