3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
