So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Small penises have feelings too.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
