She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
