I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize