i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
