Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
