Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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