After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
