I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize