yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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