my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
