I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
