Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
