i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
