I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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